Creating My Structure

haha i finally used the penknife to cut something other than myself today.
it was really hilarious when i thought about it hahaha.

its funny how my life has turned out this way.
no one ever said i was a brooding child when i was young. more hyperactive than contemplative.
to think the teachers used to write things like: Eric is a bright child and has a bright future if he taps into his potential.

IM SORRY, TEACHERS.

Stapled Shut Inside An Outside World

written during econs tutorial (between copying notes and listening to the teacher LOL)
it was a wonder i managed to learn at all.

An explosion of warmth on skin
Red tide consuming the expansive beige
A silent scream of agony
Is what it is.
Pulled by gravity
It drips
Pooling around the lifeless mannequin
Lying on the cold, dusty floor.

Bow Down Before The One You Serve

well if you hate me that much id just fade into the background then.

Wounded.

there's a really good song by good charlotte which i dont think many have heard because it wasnt made into a single and it wasnt played on radio. stupid mainstreamers have no idea what they're missing out.
it goes something like this.

lost, and broken
hopeless and lonely
im smiling on the outside; but hurt beneath my skin.

i guess this would be the perfect theme song of life as i know it.
I DONT DESERVE SUCH SUFFERING.

From A Lacerated Sky

why cant my parents just accept that i wont study for 10 hours 5 days per week.
its becoming almost impossible to detach myself from the incessant nagging.
i want to shove their criticism back down their throats because they just dont seem to get the fact that i DONT HAVE TO FUCKING STUDY 10 HOURS A BLOODY DAY TO GET AT LEAST A C.
its not my damn fault that you dont have a memory like mine, shitheads.
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you know how people have plans for the future?
like dreams and all.
i dont have a single aspiration or ambition in life now.
its like i cant see any further than jc2 life.
i cant see myself in ns.
i cant see myself in university.
i cant see myself working.
i cant see myself getting married.
i cant see myself having kids.
i cant see myself having grandchildren.
it seems as if im not supposed to live that long to find out.

and surprisingly i dont give a damn.

i dont see whats the point of living such an uneventful life.
i dont get why people say that there's so much to look forward to life.
i seriously think that what they say that there is to look forward to is just simply fucked up.

for example, i dont see what is there to look forward to getting married. Because the average marriage lasts about 10 years nowadays, so why bother to get married when you are not going to live your life out with your spouse anyway.
save the trouble of having a divorce, i say.
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on a final, depressing note, i read a book where a guy was asked whether he wanted his money or his life.
and when the guy didnt respond, the robber asked him what was his answer.
the man said he was thinking it over.

Por Siempre

i feel so blessed that i still have friends that understand me and my idiosyncracies, such as dear weeshan who's been my friend for 12 long years, minfei and the dudes.
i never felt so high even with alcoholic stimulants.
oh and on a more depressing note, the following was a something that i wrote in econs (i think) today.

Deviod - of warmth.
Estranged - from happiness.
Disowned - by joy.
Enveloped - by sadness.
Kissed - by sorrow.
Filled - with pain.
An attempt to drag myself from the black hole of despair
Was crushed, unknowingly.
Huddled in the dark
Do you see me? Can you hear me?
Doubt.
In december underground i weep,
Suffocating under words of sorrow.

Read The Lines In The Mirror Through The Lipstick Trace

this week has been like a fucking roller coaster of emotion.
prepared like crazy for definite integral only to be fucked up by differentiation instead. because i thought differentiation was too fucking easy. what a shithead i was.
you're leaving me hanging in the dark
then i had a first. being totally lost in an exam. if not for axel's big handwriting and his cheatsheet i wouldnt even have done the 23marks that i did.
i cant read your mind.
training later that day was screwed up cos my whole body was still screwed up by derrick ong's killer pe session on tuesday. i still cant bend backwards now.
i wish i knew how you feel. then i could stop wasting time.
and i had to sprain my right hand later that day after training. this effectively rules out playing basketball on saturday with the dudes.
and i probably wouldnt be able to go out with you.
sigh.