Tonight I'll Lie Awake Feeling Empty

im listening to mainstream music (read: radio) recently. i felt like it because i havent d*****ded anything new recently and listening to paramore over and over again is making me light-headed. because ive got this mild infatuation with hayley williams doh! its just that cheeky exuberance she exudes on that's what you get mv. God she's so desirable. but i digress. so now flyleaf and underoath are gonna be my new obsessions once that nice little bar hits a 100%.
i realize ive been subconciously looking for christian influenced rock/emo/alternative bands because listening to those rah-rah christian songs is a drag when you wanna scream. i mean they're great if you wanna worship, but not good if you just wanna shout out to the Lord. lol i dont think im making sense there.
yes people im proudly declaring that im a christian. though im kinda ashamed im not going to church because i find going to one a drag. kinda like a conflict in interest but i swear id go regularly after my A's.

well i guess i reached my emancipation. at least free from part of my angst, that is. i've stopped lying to myself and now i feel so much better.
i guess im more comfortable with myself now. being the stuck-up prick, the elitist. knowing you're smarter than most people in this world (bit narcisstic and proud i know). i guess part of why im was so miserable was the fact that i couldnt be this person, not in my current environment. i cant because the people around me arent like that. i used to be surrounded by people who thought like me, and i was too comfortable with that, so much so that i didnt realize how i came across to the new people ive come to know. i didnt keep that part of me tuned down, so i guess that's the main reason why they detest me. and i didnt realize why they detested me so i was miserable because i didnt understand why they did so. i fell from my perch, and it hurt because i was always the centre of things.
but its no matter, because now i know who i am, they're not really the type i'd want to be good friends with, because the thinking that i have is totally different to what they have.

but recently its been another test of this newfound self-awareness. because of my knowledge of my abilities, i dont really study 24-7 a week. but i study enough. thing is, my parents dont have the same level of intellectual abilities (yes its stuck up to say this, but i dont care. read the previous paragraph if you dont understand why.) they want me to do 25-8 a week. they have always wanted so for like my secondary school days. i put in around 6 hours a day because its sufficient for me but they dont think so. they dont think im smart enough to only put in 6 measly hours of work in a day. they want every single waking moment to be study, study and study, at least thats what it seems to me. and it pisses me off, but i cant do anything, at least until im 21 where ill shatter these chains and fly away. not that my conscience would stop me, because i have a diminished one.

i get so frustrated dealing with my parents because THEY DONT UNDERSTAND. they never grew up being among the best. they never know what it is like to just have that ability to comprehend things quickly, so they put in more hours of effort just to make up for the lack of ability, and they expect me to because they think i have only the ability that they have. what an insult.
i wanna break away from the petty bourgeois so that no one would EVER doubt my ability again.

i just needed to rant. bottling stuff up aint good for me.