You're Everything To Me No More As I Wake From This Perfect Dream

well prelims are over for me, but i have post prelim in 2weeks time i think. fantastic. just another exam to look forward to, i suppose. its funny how me and my classmates are so desensitized to the exams now. i remember axel saying something similar during block test 2, where he said he didnt have the mood to study because he already studied for the exam a few months ago. its like this prelims, its the 5th exam we're taking this year, but its the 4th official one (there was one unofficial milestone exam 2 which i ponned totatlly, because of basketball season. but i digress). anyway, coming back to the point, since my prelims were staggered before and after the september break, you would think id study my ass off during the september break, no? well you were wrong. i guess i slacked off like a dick during the break, and i guess my results are gonna suffer slightly due to that. i guess i only practised math paper 2 and read some econs, and i almost didnt touch physics (unless you count going to tuition as studying) and i totally neglected beloved chemistry. as you can guess, the two screwy papers i had (well three to be exact. i had 1 physics paper, and 2 chemistry papers. but chem paper 1 is mcq, so..) were well, chemistry and physics. physics section B was horrible and chemistry paper 3 was well, the toughest chem paper in my JC life. if its a paper where an elucidation question existed and i couldnt get the answer on the spot, you know its gonna be a tough paper. (i got the answer in the end. it was during a moment of epiphany before the chem paper 1, how nice.) so i lost at least 11 marks for my chemistry paper 3 and i dont wanna begin counting how many marks ive lost for physics so far.
sigh. i wanted to do well, but i dont think i can now.
maybe i should just forget about Imperial College London and hope that i'd get into NUS Chemistry Engineering. maybe its time to shape up and be realistic for once.

my brother goes into NS in approximately 5 hours time, and im gonna send him off, together with my family. i guess im not so worrie d about him, but i just wish my mother would leave him alone. she hasnt gotten the fact that we're adults now, and we dont need her to smother us anymore, because we can think for ourselves, but she never gets it.
and the fact that she never allows herself to lose an argument irks me, especially when she gives totally unreasonable excuses that dont make sense. sometimes i just wish i was born in another family, where at least i can actually communicate with my parents, rather than this facade im putting up right now. and i guess its also the reason why i seem to always wanna grow up and be an adult, even though i should be enjoying my teenage years.

i know its stupid, but there's side story series thingy of the star wars book franchise that i can really connect with. its the republic commando series, and i guess i identify with some of the characters, somehow. especially Fi, this commando.
i tire of this role of trying to jolly people along. why cant people cheer me up for once?
when would anyone ever notice, that the more im joking, the more it hurts inside?
i guess, the only reason i hide my feelings, is so that my friends can be happier in ignorance.

good luck to all who havent finished prelims!