Existentialism On Prom Night

you know you are really fucked up when you cry on christmas eve.
how can you not know?
sadness came crashing down on the walls on my sanity and yet i have to show a happy face and all, cause my aunts and cousins are there at the table, eating with us in a nice hotel restaurant on christmas eve in malaysia, and i dont want them to worry, do i?
i dont want to spell it out to you for fear of losing you.
imagine telling jokes when you are crying.
imagine making people laugh when you are sad.
but if i dont tell you, then i may lose you as well.
thats how fucked up my life is now. and i dont know how to change it.
i really have no idea what to do, or how to proceed.
help? anyone?