And Now She's Gone

i dont know what to do with my life.
hellgate is fun, yeah, but staying up to play it seems so secondary school.
trainings are officially over until the turn of the new year.
insomnia has ruled over my life for the past two days.
helping my best friend along with a breakup.
not getting into h3, which means the end of my scholarship dreams.
being told you are not good enough.
being pathetically outcasted by people around you.
and the loss of you, who has taken flight to a far away land of snow, with family.
can anything get any worse?
oh yeah, it can. holiday homework.

i want more out of my life. i dont want to be stuck in this bourgeois lifestyle forever.
i want more. i want to be IT. i want to make it so that NO ONE CAN EVER BRING ME DOWN WITH WHATEVER THEY SAY OR DO.
I WANT TO BE ABLE TO SAY THAT I AM SOMEONE OF WORTH IN THIS WORLD.
i dont want to beg pathetically for scraps of measly chances that only whet my appetite for more.

i want to break through these thick walls of mediocrity.

can i?
i want you to hold me and tell me that yes, i will be able to make it. but its all wishful thinking i guess. you probably wont read this either.



i want to scream my lungs out, but its 3.05 in the morning.